resistant

Today was my 3rd perspectives class. To be honest, I really really wanted to skip class today. I felt sick, my homework was incomplete, work was stressing me out, big brother finale was on - doesn't it seem that at any given point in our lives, there are always a million things going on that seem more important than God? Thankfully, God led me to class, where He opened my eyes and completely humbled me. The speaker was amazing, and her stories were so heartbreaking - Im so ashamed to think back on all the times I have complained about my life and everything that I am lacking (and all the times I will undoubtedly forget and complain in the future).

Living the first 25 years of my life as a nonbeliever, everytime I heard stories about wars, genocide, sex trafficking, murders, rape, child soldiers, etc, I would feel an incredible weight of despair and hopelessness. The world was so broken and God, whoever He was, didn't care. There was so much suffering but He and His people are too busy chastising pro-choicers or condeming homosexuals to do anything about it.

It took me a long long time to realize that living a life without the presence of God is hopeless...without Him, all we will ever know is fear and sorrow and death. We will never know redemption and hope and peace. And even that realization, I could never have realized on my own. If God hadn't opened my eyes and allowed me to suffer, I would never have known just how empty my life was. So my suffering, though a tiny fraction of what others are currently suffering right now, are not in vain. And neither are theirs. God hears their cries, and He knows their pain. I've wrestled back and forth with this, because honestly, I had no idea if this is true or not. We are all ants and we are so insignificant. Its so hard for me, with my tiny human brain, to really understand just how vast His powers are. So even though I don't understand and probably never will until I get to ask Him myself, Jesus in Luke 12:7 tells us that God does know us and we can never be separated from Him (John 10:27-28).

Its awesome and comforting to know, but isn't that just the first step? God's grace and salvation are not just ours to keep...we hold on to His promise but we also pass it on, right? Why is this so hard for me?? I don't want to be just a Christian, I want to be a follower of Christ. Which means I have to not only know Him, but I have to follow His will. His will is commanded all throughout the NT (Mark 16:15, Acts 1:8, Matthew 28:18, etc). How can I be His follower if I don't follow?? How can all the nations bow down before Him if they don't have a chance to know him? How can anyone who has suffered pain and injustice find any shred of hope in this world without Him?

After hearing the speaker today, I was seriously ready to move to Tibet and dedicate my life to God. My high lasted about 15 minutes after class, then reality set in. How will I ever pay off my loans, how can I live so far from my family, what if I will be single in Tibet forever, what if I get hurt or killed there?? So now Im back to where I started, wanting to be a follower, but not truly believing that He will provide for me if I do follow. Sigh. I have so so much to learn....