mediocrity then death

I can't believe I'm leaving for China in 22 days! I'm so excited and so nervous. This is so much more than just a trip or a vacation - I feel like (this is totally the wrong way to think btw) this is THE trip that will define the direction for my life. I've been thinking about long term overseas missions since taking Perspectives last fall, and I can't help but feel there is a lot riding on my experience in the next month. What if the people over there hate me? What if God calls me to serve overseas? Or worse - what if He doesn't call me at all?? What if I'm destined to live a life of 8-5 mediocrity until I die?

I know I shouldn't think like that, and that God will let me know when (if) the time is right, but still, my mind wanders a lot. Most likely, this trip will just be the first of many baby steps that I have to take in order to know what His will is for me, but I'm really hoping it will be somewhat clearer. I'm trying to align my heart with His and to be not only content but joyful everyday, but man, its tough. I like moping because then, the day is all about me! How crappy I'm feeling, how sucky my life is, how bleak my future is. Being joyful forces me to think about God and all the wonderful things He has done and is continuing to do - maybe not currently in my own life, but if I look around me, His Hand is everywhere. I hope I can remember this when Im challenged overseas. (and yes, I'm aware I'm going for only 2 weeks and not like, 2 years, but still! Its my first time!)

Well, since the chances of dying overseas is slightly higher (though still pretty miniscule, I hope) I wrote out my last will & testament today. Sadly, I don't have much to give away. My biggest concern for the past 6 years was what would happen to Bangoo if I died, but now that she's gone, all I have to worry about is who would get all my designer jeans. I decided to leave everything to my mom, so if I don't come back alive, I'm sure you will be able to find my jeans at a local garage sale for a dollar each.